EPISODE 005: TOXIC POSITIVITY: WHY YOU CAN’T JUST “BE HAPPY”

I’ve been wanting to talk about this topic for a while, but I wanted it to be perfect and eloquent and all the things. Instead I had it hit me today that I just needed to talk from my heart. So I plugged in the microphone and just went for it.

Let’s talk about TOXIC POSITIVITY.

I had a friend reach out to me a while ago about how she loved what I was doing- but that my handle on IG was a little bit triggering to her. The word positive, ironically, had some negative vibes attached to it. Instead of getting defensive and trying to explain that that wasn’t my intention at all, I asked her to to help me understand where she was coming from because the last thing I want to do is be a dark spot for someone.

We had a good conversation and talked about how sometimes the the positive vibe trend can make you like you should never feel a negative thought and that if you do then you suck because you don’t have control over your thoughts and everything negative is all your fault, and then you fall into this shame cycle of feeling like crap.

When I talk about being intentional and wanting to show up as the best and most positive version of you, I don’t mean that you put on your rose colored glasses every day and that you bury all your negative emotions deep down and never deal with them. It isn’t about putting on a fake smile and pretending that life is all sunshine and roses. It’s not and it’s not healthy to live like that.

Truthfully, negativity and discomfort is needed and helpful. We need to feel those emotions. Just as we need physical pain to keep us safe and give us boundaries- we need a range of emotions in order to have a full human experience. Without them we don’t have a compass. You wouldn’t feel compassion or empathy. You wouldn’t be able to recognize social injustice, or give yourself boundaries. You would become a doormat and just accept it all as “ looking on the bright side”.

Positive living is not about just snapping your fingers and suddenly thinking happy. It’s so much more than an affirmation or mantra. Those are such useful tools and they have a time and place. I use them and I encourage you to add them to your toolbox. But they aren’t a magic pill. They come after you’ve had a chance to sit and have asked the right questions.

When you are going through something hard and have big emotions or grief or whatever else. Sometimes you just need sit there. You just sit in the suck. You curl up in the fetal position, you cry, you feel and then you process it. You don’t ignore it. You don’t push it down and choose positive. The healthy thing is to allow yourself the space and time to feel the feelings- name them, own them, honor them. There has to be a place for compassion for yourself and room for you to feel them all. Then you make a choice about staying there.

The amount of time we stay there is different. Sometimes we might be able to get up and move on right away. Other times we might sit there a lot longer. There is no perfect amount of time needed to process and feel your emotions. Ask yourself if you’re ready to shelf this and move on.

Journal and work through it. Be weird like me and talk to yourself in the shower. Whatever helps you.

Basically what I’m getting at is that everyday we want to show up, look for the good, and strive for better. But it’s not about pretending or faking it.

THAT HELPS NO ONE!

You can’t get to your BEST self if you don’t know yourself. If you been showing up with a mask on, pretending, and faking that a good attitude is everything, it’s gonna come crashing down at some point. You don’t begin to create your best life by burying the dark and the uncomfortable and pretending it doesn’t exist. You get there by learning, adapting, pivoting, growing.

Imagine a basketball player that breaks his ankle. He doesn’t just pretend it’s not broken and runs back out on to the court thinking happy thoughts. That’s insane. He also doesn’t just retire from the game completely. He’s going to find the break and learn how to fix it. Seek out professional help, go to rehab, maybe have surgery…… he can sit and be mad about it, while working to make it better. He can be mad that he’s missing the games while also working hard to get back.

As you come here each week to get encouragement each week I want to remind you to give yourself grace. To feel ALL the feelings, to learn, grow, and evolve. And to keep working toward becoming the best and most positive version of you.